Sunday, October 30, 2011

5 Songs + Update.

The rest of this week (Thursday and Friday) were relatively drama free and manageable. We shall see how next week goes!

Now onto this week's five songs!

Ok not gonna lie. I've had a little bit of a rough time with finding new music. BUT I am super pumped that yellowcard has a new acoustic album out! So 3 of this week's songs are from that album! If you hate yellowcard, then you are just shit out of luck.

1. "Sing for me (Acoustic Version)" by Yellowcard

2. "This" by Darius Rucker

3. "Tattoos on This Town" by Jason Aldean

4. "Hang You Up" by Yellowcard

5. "See Me Smiling" by Yellowcard
This is my FAVORITE off the new album.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


Things at the office have been a bit...tense. Although tense may be an understatement. Lately my emotions have been totally out of control. From my point of view however, mine are not the only ones out of control at this point. We are all stressed out and overwhelmed. For me, I do not do well with this much stress. When I am feeling this level of overwhelmed I freak out at things that are small. When I say freak out, I mean FREAK THE HELL OUT. I mean SCREAM at co-workers, SOB uncontrollably in my car, STOP TALKING to people for days, CAN'T SLEEP at night. That kind of freak out. It's been worse over the past couple of weeks and things all just came to a head today.

My closest co-worker Jessica and I ended up in a huge hour long screaming/sobbing telephone brawl tonight. I may not have a voice tomorrow and my face may be swollen to twice it's normal size. Another co-worker is not speaking to me because of something that I apparently did yesterday that I have no idea about. . . she also is unwilling to tell me what I did. I am going on about 4 hours of sleep following a 10 hour day yesterday and a horrific sob infested screaming day today with intermittent angry family meetings. Well the screamfest/cryfest with Jessica was just the icing on the cake. In the end though we worked it out. It was two months of tensions let out so it needed to happen.

Basically it comes down to this: If you can't handle me at my worst, you SURE AS HELL don't deserve me at my best. This applies: to friends, family and boyfriends. Take note.

That's all for today! Here's hoping that some sleep will renew us and tomorrow will be brighter!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Five Songs...

1. "We Owned the Night" - Lady Antebellum
This song is so fun, I listen to it all the freaking time and it puts me in a great mood (also I may or may not dance in my car to it)

2. "Konstantine" - Something Corporate
Ok. You really aren't going to appreciate this song unless you listened to it way back when. It's NINE minutes long..but I know EVERY WORD. In high school I listened to it on repeat you guys. I saw the song on another blog and had to download and um have been listening to it over and over again.

3. "Boys in the Summer" - Jessie James
Yes, I know that summer is over. But I'm trying to hold onto it OK?!! This song is super fun.

4. "Twice" - Little Dragon
Do you guys watch "Revenge" on ABC? If not you are on crack and need to check yourself into rehab immediately and then catch up. This show is AMAZING. Anywho, that's where I found this song. It's completely different from what I usually post but I really like it.

5. "I Was Here" - Lady Antebellum
By far my favorite in this week's list. I listen to this song on the way to work every morning to pump me up! The words are so powerful! Just think about what you are going to do to show you were here!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Lesson's Learned

So this song by Carrie Underwood, I love it. It speaks to me. No really.

Here are the Lyrics:

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.


And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

If you are my family or friends reading this blog you know that there was a certain time of my life where I put the people I loved through absolute hell. There were a lot of times I made poor choices and the people I loved suffered. I wasted opportunities and chances. I blew it big time.

There were nights I told the people I loved the most that I hated them, that I wished they would die. There were many nights I wished I would die.

I made my Mom cry, anxious, depressed. I made my Brother's life a home a living nightmare. I made my Dad follow me around in his car so he knew where I was. I went about my life and left my family, my family that I love more than anything in the entire world, that I would easily give my life for, pick up all the pieces.

I was foolish, I was selfish, I was wrong.

I spent so many nights crying, not knowing what to do, how to even start to piece together my life in a way that would ever make it better.

Some of my relationships were never repaired but the ones that mattered were.

It took years to repair relationships and earn trust and prove myself, but it happened.

Like the song says, those things that broke me down, that made me so small, those were the things that made me strong. The lessons I learned from those few years of hurt and heartache and pain changed who I am forever and the way my heart beats. I wish I could take back all the hurt and pain that I caused but I can't. I can just keep loving.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Five Songs..

1. Lights (Bassnectar Remix) - Ellie Goulding
Yes I am totally late on this song but it's super catchy!

2. Rivers and Roads - The Head and The Heart
This band is one of my new favorites, the female vocalist has such an amazing voice.

3. Lost and Found - Katie Herzig
On repeat.

4. Dance with Me - The Sweet Remains
Lovely sweet song.

Dance With Me

5. Lost in My Mind - The Head and The Heart
If you don't like this song you may have terrible taste in music.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Wise Words.

"The world bursts at the seams
with people ready to tell you you're
not good enough. On occasion,
some may be correct. But do not do
their work for them. Seek any job;
ask anyone out; pursue any goal.
Don't take it personally when they
say "no" - they may not be
smart enough to say "yes."

- Keith Olberman,
broadcast journalist and
host of MSNBC's "Countdown with Keith Olberman

Monday, October 3, 2011

They lied to me.

I feel like I got hoodwinked by all of my college professors. No joke.

I got sold this ideal about the profession of social work. That it was all about helping people, and making the world a better place and rainbows and butterflies. It was about advocacy and writing policies that will changed the world!!!

Well all that is bullshit.

Social work is about being down in the dirty ditches with people when they are in the worst times of their lives. It's about being the scapegoat when people are angry and sad and want someone to blame. It's trying to find a miracle for someone when there isn't one. It's frustrating and infuriating and impossible.

I love being there for families when they have lost a loved one, I love helping someone find a home, but those times are too few and far between to make up for all the times when I'm being torn down and dehumanized.

Sure there are times when it seems worth it, but overall, it's not. Where I work I am aware that I am not doing actual social work. I am basically a discharge planner/complaint taker/human dumpster/person who tries to keep our building from getting sued. Throw in the fact that people who went to school for SIX MONTHS to become LPN's make more money than me with a FOUR YEAR degree, I really want to scream.

I wasted all that money, all those years. For nada. NOTHING. I hate what I am doing. I HATE IT. The sad thing is that I feel like there is no way out. I am trapped.

Midlife crisis? Yes.

Questioning my entire life so far? Yes.

Questioning my entire future? Yes.