Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Mental War.

I was hoping to have at least a month before the war started. Well no such luck.
The first week was the invasion, the violent and dramatic part. Now I'm dealing with the aftermath. And the war still is there, always, but not the same as it was before.

It is constant. The battle with food. Would I like a pumpkin spice latte? I can get it in a small size with nonfat milk. No. That does not belong in my belly. Would I like some crunchy chips with my chicken salad? Yes but No, chips do not belong in my belly. Would I like a big ol sip of Diet Coke? Heck yes, but it does not belong in my belly.

Besides these everyday minor combat situations the overhanging shadow is always there. The internal dialogue saying "you will fail this", "you haven't lost weight this week so why try?" and "I'm really too tired to get on the elliptical, it doesnt seem to be doing anything anyways."

All of these things are irrational bullshit. I am very aware that these things are total bullshit, yet they still exist. I have to FIGHT my brain for control of my body. I have to FIGHT those thoughts of negativity and doubt. I have to FIGHT to keep doing the right thing and i have to FIGHT to believe that I can do it.

The mental war will never end. Ever. It is something I will have to learn to live with. The lap band is just a tool in my mental war and I'm going to use it to the best of my ability.

2 week update:
Starting Weight:288
Current Weight: 265

So whatever your mental war is, whether it's food, self doubt, control, your job. Go out and FIGHT that war!

3 comments:

Kristen said...

Oh Jen! You are an inspiration, my dear cousin!! I am praying for you. YOU are STRONGER than your situation and I know you won't fail!! Keep fighting the good fight, sister!!!!
I LOVE AND MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH!!! Come to Texas! SOON! I will keep us far from Babe's and the like...I promise!!!

Amanda said...

hey, one day at a time. don't think about tomorrow- it doesn't matter today!! thinking of you often, and wishing your recovery was easier and more endurable...keep us updated!
<3

Jennifer said...

I love you both!