Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Bully

The recent death of Rutger's freshman Tyler Clementi has put bullying back into the national spotlight. I was watching ABC's 20/20's episode on bullying and was thinking about my own experiences.

Sixth grade was hell for me. Literally. I woke up every morning and had to go to hell. No one spoke to me, well unless it was something nasty. I had no friends, no one to sit with at lunch and was harassed all day...especially by a girl named Samantha. Oh that Samantha...she was a class A bitch. I was even bullied by my P.E. teacher..something that as an adult makes me sick to my stomach. My grades plummeted, I was depressed and quite honestly, If I had had to continue going to that school I wouldn't have made it. I was so desperate to get out, to be left alone that I had already considered suicide.

Of course, the bullying passes. Unfortunately for so many kids they can't see past it. I was so so SO very lucky. My parents saw how much I was struggling and decided to remove me from that school and home-school me for a year. Not many kids get that chance. Thank God I did.

After that year I made a decision that no one would ever treat me the way those people treated me ever again. And to this day no one has. I am absolutely unwilling to tolerate anything like that in my life or around me. I am worried for kids who go through this every day. I am worried for MY future kids. Children are mean. Especially middle school children. Of most people I have come in contact with, they had similar experiences.

I was able to find myself and become stronger. My heart aches for those that don't get that opportunity. I can only hope that we as adults are vigilantes and are constantly on the lookout for our kids. Only one teacher at my 6th grade school ever stood up for me. Several watched what was going on, heard what was going on and did nothing. To me, for an adult to stand by and allow that sort of thing to happen is unforgivable.

I hope eventually schools will implement anti-bullying campaigns and rules (and they are enforced!) Thanks to all you parents and teachers who are advocates for your kids! Keep up the good work!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Like a One Year Old Loves Cake..

If I loved ANYTHING as much as Caroline loved her cake..I would be ecstatic.

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Happy Birthday pretty girl.

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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Mental War.

I was hoping to have at least a month before the war started. Well no such luck.
The first week was the invasion, the violent and dramatic part. Now I'm dealing with the aftermath. And the war still is there, always, but not the same as it was before.

It is constant. The battle with food. Would I like a pumpkin spice latte? I can get it in a small size with nonfat milk. No. That does not belong in my belly. Would I like some crunchy chips with my chicken salad? Yes but No, chips do not belong in my belly. Would I like a big ol sip of Diet Coke? Heck yes, but it does not belong in my belly.

Besides these everyday minor combat situations the overhanging shadow is always there. The internal dialogue saying "you will fail this", "you haven't lost weight this week so why try?" and "I'm really too tired to get on the elliptical, it doesnt seem to be doing anything anyways."

All of these things are irrational bullshit. I am very aware that these things are total bullshit, yet they still exist. I have to FIGHT my brain for control of my body. I have to FIGHT those thoughts of negativity and doubt. I have to FIGHT to keep doing the right thing and i have to FIGHT to believe that I can do it.

The mental war will never end. Ever. It is something I will have to learn to live with. The lap band is just a tool in my mental war and I'm going to use it to the best of my ability.

2 week update:
Starting Weight:288
Current Weight: 265

So whatever your mental war is, whether it's food, self doubt, control, your job. Go out and FIGHT that war!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Desperate.

If I don't eat these soon, I will die.
That is all.

Lobster Salad with Spicy Adobo Mayo Sauce
From Dawn @ Vanilla Sugar


Drooling..

Sweet Grape Salad
from Lick the Bowl Good


Oh lord help...

Broccoli Bacon Salad
from: Savory Sweet Life


Dying right now...

Panko Mozzarella Sticks
From: The Pioneer Woman


My god...Dawn is trying to kill me...

Pimento Cheeseburger with Tomato Balsamic Reduction
From: Dawn @ Vanilla Sugar


I'm done for..

Pumpkin Cupcakes with Maple Frosting
From: Honey & Jam


It's over... I have died

Raspberry Brown Sugar Gratin
From: Smitten Kitchen