Thursday, January 21, 2010

You Might be (but probably are) a Douche if...

On a daily basis I encounter people that are douchey. If you don't, then you need to fine tune your douche radar because they are everywhere!

You might be (but probably are a douche) if...

1. You have a crazy muffler (or whatever the heck it is) on your car.

Yea, I know you think you are cool by putting a whatever on your car and waking up everyone in a five mile radius, but you aren't. I don't like not being able to jam out to NPR because the sound of your obnoxious car drowns out my radio. You are merely an attention seeker loser, and no one likes you. Also, who do you think you are fooling? You clearly believe yourself to be some sort of street racer, but here is what I believe: you should save us all the trouble and go home and play Grand Theft Auto so that I don't have to hear it. Tell your mom I said hi. You drive a 1988 Honda. A loud noise isn't going to make it better. You are only drawing attention to how crappy of a car you drive.

Don't be this guy.

2. You are John Edwards

If you live in any other part of the country OTHER than North Carolina, you probably don't care, but here, John Edwards gossip is hot and heavy. Today he announced that he IS the father of his skank looking mistress' child. Apparently the only person who DIDN'T know he was the father was in fact John Edwards. If you have three children and a wife with terminal cancer and you have a baby with another woman then you are a douche.

Now that's a woman worth ruining your life over!!

3. You text and drive

Okay, I will admit, I was an avid texter and driver. But after watching this weeks oprah about the issue and learning that a human's brain is not physiologically capable of texting and driving safely, I will never do it again. The empirical evidence is huge, as is the human evidence. So many people's lives totally ruined by someone on a phone call or texting while driving. So consider this fair warning, if you don't stop texting and driving, then you will become a douche in my book. Watch these stories.

1 comment:

Kristen said...

Hahaha!! I love it! The muffler thing...what is that? I would like to add to the list guys who wear Ed Hardy ond overgroom their body hair. ew.